my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
