he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
