oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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