i already hear my dad disowning me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
