Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
