your room smells of hookers.
And success
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
