trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
