Betty ford says i'm here all night
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
