Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Panties = found
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
