hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
