I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
