New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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