OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
