Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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