Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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