I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
