you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
