So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
