He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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