Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
