cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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