And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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