I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
