Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
