Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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