he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
