i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
