I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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