is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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