Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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