Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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