My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
