So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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