Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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