If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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