did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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