I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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