I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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