Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
