he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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