The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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