My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
