3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
