Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
