mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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