I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
