3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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