Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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