What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
