I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
