the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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